vanity

Maybe if I had been born using a wheelchair all those crazy vanity issues would never have surfaced or had to be dealt with.
I remember dragging myself with my walker from here to there and being in such pain by the time I could sit down my arms, shoulders and neck screamed from the pain and I'd have to take a pain pill.
If I wanted to walk I would have to endure pain that even the pain pills could barely mask.I did it though, watching to make sure my foot was placed the right way when walking and not on its side, being careful to be ready when my knees decided to buckle. I even went to a specialist to see if braces would help, since when I stood my knees would continue to go backwards until it looked like my legs were bowed, all part of my neuropathy. . Yes braces would work to align my knees correctly, however my legs couldn't stand the pressure of the straps and buckles of the braces, so that wasn't going to be an option either. All these things I did just to appear normal, after all a walker wasn't really anything as bad as a wheelchair? Stupid..... stupid.... stupid. I could no longer go shopping, visiting or do anything I enjoyed because of vanity. Somehow being in a wheelchair was the worst thing that could happen to me because people, in my eye, would stare and being stared at was something I couldn't tolerate even when I was normal.I understand this vanity. People can be rude and unsympathetic to people not like them. I didn't want to put up with that plus my illness.
My husband and family couldn't understand this. Even my doctor couldn't understand it. I think you have to live it personally to understand, however there is hope, growth can come from stupidity. In case you're wondering, I went through the same thing when I first started using my walker. I spent a lot of time touching walls and tables and people to keep myself balance. I would cling to my husbands arm when we were in public to the point it caused him pain trying to hold me up.All for the sake of appearances...normalcy.
I use a power chair exclusively now except when I transfer to my rolling chair for chores around the house. I am not totally comfortable and at ease in public 100% and I may never be but I don't let the vanity interfere with living like I used to. At least I'm fortunate enough to be able to have a power chair. My fingers won't work a regular wheelchair and frankly I'm a bit lazy to have one anyway. It seems there are a lot more people using power chairs that I see. I wonder if they were always around or if like me they put vanity where it belongs?

Switching subjects it absolutely beautiful here today. The 80's and sunny. The yard looks great with the flowers planted and so does the deck with all its plants and flowers. Tonight when my husband gets home we are going to my son to visit. It will be nice and still light out that we can visit outside. I'm also planning on begging my husband to spring for Pizza Hut, because where we have they don't deliver and Pizza Hut is my most favorite pizza.