Tomorrow

Tomorrow it's time for my monthly blood tests. My doctor watches my kidney and liver functions. I used to go weekly but thankfully it got changed. After all this time I still loath going. I'm used to the blood draws, being most fortunate to have suffered few bad draws but still it sucks my time being ill

My mother died young as did my brother and sister an numerous other family and friends. Being myself 55 with an unknown why and what illness....I feel mortality. I feel I am heaven bound although I am in no big hurry, more I worry about what condition I will be when it occurs.

I will see my Specialist Monday. Last time I saw him was early November. It makes me feel uncomfortable to be seen every 4-5 month. It makes me feel forgotten. Will he think of me when a possible new working idea comes through? He assures me he would. He tells me to visit more often if it would help. Monday he will base how I'm doing on the strength in my legs and hands. He will ask me if I've noticed any changes. If the strength has not changed or has gotten stronger, he will remind me that healing, repairing of the nerve is a very very slow progress, that we are looking at years before we may have measurable results. He is always optimistic. I think when I can walk again even with a walker would mean improvement.......holding my own just doesn't seem enough. He says I will get out of the w/c.......but then he said long ago I wouldn't see a w/c........I know he's trying hard......but this illness is a mystery although thousand and thousand have this. I have never met any one else with this face to face .....and although there is some comfort in knowing I am not his worse patient with this........I want to be like the patient similar to me who is making fantastic improvement.........which makes me wonder this.....
would you improve if it's not Gods' will? If no improvement comes ,might one think it's not Gods' will? I get confused about this.