My vans

Two years ago I drove my van complete with hand control back and forth to work. I would get into it by backing up to the seat,lift by butt onto the seat and then pull myself in. Then it quit running, so hubby scrambled to get me another vehicle. He bought another van, but I couldn't get in it as you had to step up to get in. I can't step up. I still can't. Even if I could position my foot on the step, the nerves pressing against the muscles somehow told my brain there is no strenght, so the muscles refuse to even try. After several attempts and becoming frustrated and crying, it was obvious this wasn't going to work.
It's very upsetting to look at a simple maneuver and not be able to do it any more.
So hubby went back to looking and found another van with a dismantled wheelchair lift inside and he and my son put it together. They were so proud. They moved switches into the door and set it all up for me. I WAS HORRIFIED. I'd been at my job 11 years so everyone was aware of my illness and my limitations, but to show up for work in a electric w/c for me was humiliating. I know and knew it was a vanity thing. I had gone through it before when I first took my walker to work.
I kept asking myself why this was happening to someone who hated to be noticed as much as I did? I've always shied away from being noticed for as long as I could remember and here I was now repeatedly shoved out front......Look at me.....Look at me...You ever wonder sometimes why we are forced at times to endure/face what we hate?
This was a Hugh struggle for me, an admittance to myself I was slipping, sorrow for my loss to be normal. What could I do?
I pumped myself up and drove to work, endured the questions and requested demonstrations on how the van worked all the time cringing behind my happy face. Two days later I was laid off due to budget cuts.
I don't blame them. I would of let me go too. I could not give 100%.
I cried over this as I loved my job, we had just bought our dream home three years before and I worried about this.......but I was also relieved.
I couldn't help but wonder why it couldn't of occurred before I had to endure the previous, but then life is like that.
I applied for disability and got it the first try. This also made me sad. I guess I had hoped I would be denied.....them stating I wasn't disabled or enough disabled to qualify. That didn't happen and was another blow.
So now on disability, waiting for the new door to open since the old one closed, I endured the show for outings to the store ,doctors, errands...
I felt using the van......was like.....a show. My hubby would find a handicap spot at the store,jump out and press a button that opened the door, another to drop the lift, I would roll out ( should I wave or blow kisses to the onlookers? ) he press another button to lower me then repeat the steps once I was off. People watched. I used to watch, fascinated by such an invention but when you are the one....it feels so much different and I hated it and still hate it.
Then a miracle occurred.....the van died. Before hubby brought home another van.....I pleaded to find one that wasn't a lift van. Maybe years from now we could get another one, when I no longer cared,but right now I do.......He found one which just requires a ramp for me to get in and out.....no show......quick and easy.....I would of been happier finding a van I could heft my butt onto the seat.......but I am happy with this one.
I need a van to carry my chair and also a back seat that folds down for sleeping when we camp. This has all that.
Everyone has to face their own demons. What mine are may seem like nothing to another, and yours may seem like nothing to me but it doesn't change things. Maybe in time this ramp thing won't work for me.......but right now it does....I'm happy and actually eager to leave home for outings.......joy on the horizon.